desolation row

crippledance @ 2002-08-13T08:17:00

2002-08-13T15:20:29Z

that email breaks my heart. the one pete sent me. it makes me think i'm still madly in love with him. maybe i always will be, how can i explain the comfort the thought of him gives me?
standing in shasta's kitchen eating popsicles and blueberries on a comedown and feeling like every 30 seconds i just fall in love with ian again, that breaks my heart cause its so amazing.
being in the back seat speeding through the sunset skies really high and talking to the boy who saved my soul at a party months ago, we keep meeting again and again and its in the way he talks to me (i think he's 25, now maybe if i let him know i'm 14)
my heart kind of hurts. life seems to empty and i'm too self destructive for it to be safe. i'm going to hornby island in 25 minutes though, and then i'll get to go to the sea. i live right next to it, but its not at all the same. you need to escape to the sea for it to save you... i keep wanting to run away cause i feel pointless.violet, i know that you love me & thank you for trying don't bring any of my pain on yrself, no one could save me then. this girl caitlin though, she kind of helped cause i had no idea she did love me at all and she basically told me i'd always be beautiful and amazing to her.
they only think that about me before they know me. i can seduce people when i'm drunk or high, otherwise you'll have to be in love with my soul cause i hold it in my hands for you.
i wanted to jump off of a cliff to fly. i wanted to jump into the ditch and feel thorns in the flesh i don't own. i was speeding through the night in pat's car with so many people i love and as he spun the car almost into a ditch into a tree into a fire i wasn't scared. as pat and ian, high on acid went to go get cookies from the same stand tamara and i earlier had bought beans and cookies(odd to eat) and flowers, we asked them to not die on the way, i said "no you kids aren't allowed to die tonight, but if you do, ian i get yr cds"
i'm afraid i... annoyed.. pete with my yelling to him on the phone, exclaiming how he had been my connection to reality, i didn't tell him how he was the enlightenment too. i wanted to say "you know, i think i'll always love you, would you let me kiss you if i was there?" and i wanted to kiss everyone that day, just because i forgot what it was like. kisses. its been a while.
i'm kind of sad these days. mellancholly. i don't want to exist. i feel horrible in my own skin. love for others keeps me alive though, and its the only reason. i had a saturday morning though, somewhere in between the before and after of when this happened.
love.

crippledance @ 2002-08-12T21:48:00

2002-08-13T04:51:33Z

me on the beach in july.

me and kevin (my buddy) in the school field.. come to think of it, one of the last times i hung out with pete while we were dating...

did i mention pete wrote me this crazy email.. and also managed to save me from my eating disorder issue? i love that boy.
i want to die right now.. thats all that i can say.

crippledance @ 2002-08-05T16:50:00

2002-08-05T23:54:11Z

backwards
into a wall of fire.

crippledance @ 2002-08-05T11:47:00

2002-08-05T18:50:22Z

COME HERE BABY
LET ME KISS YOU LIKE A BOY DOES

i'm a bikini kill junkie. i want hallucinogents. i wear lace skirts over patchwork jeans, would you drive me around in a fast car and let me eat yr pills? i'll love you forever! come pick me up and save me from this place, my bag is full of dresses&skirts, photos&poetry books and cds. i don't really eat much, buy me some pop rocks&diet coke&lollipops. if you play guitar for me or read me yr poetry i'll fall in love with you, especially if you have beautiful hands. i'll preach to you about how andy warhol is life changing, punk will save your soul and lets smoke pot till our lungs collapse. i can tell you about my stoner-stories of kisses at midnight, i can tell you about all the beautiful people i know, i can tell you what its like to be so in love you cry (as if everyone doesn't know love like that) i supposidly can be really cute at night, i try to steal trees and i won't run but you can trick me into it by making me skip.

(i promise i'll love you like i love the stars)

crippledance @ 2002-08-04T15:54:00

2002-08-04T22:58:42Z

ohmyfuckinggod
infected mushroom is some of the most fucking incredible trance i have ever heard.
download it. if you like that sort of lame raver psychedelic stuf with names like "merlin" and "xtc in my head" and "acid trip"
i'm in love.
so this is what they mean by psychedelic trance, this stuff IS fucking psychedelic

crippledance @ 2002-08-04T14:05:00

2002-08-04T21:08:34Z

have any website recomendations?
and i am on a mission to find out why everyone (almost) and their mothers thinks i'll end up on cocaine..
i'd really like to know.

crippledance @ 2002-08-04T13:32:00

2002-08-04T20:35:46Z

Its nights like last night that make me wonder how the fuck could I ever leave this place?
just laying on my stomach on the docks, my hands in ice cold ocean water for 20 minutes, just rippling my fingers through the flos fluorescence (if you have never seen these, you haven't been alive yet, come out here and go swimming in them, the little tiny lights in the water that light up when you touch the water, its hard to believe they're just 1 cell organisms and not fucking aliens bringing some crazy miracle and incubating it under water) it just filled me up. you know how you get so empty, then go to the sea at night or day, sun or wind, and its all ok? well it is for me.. i feel this odd contentment that i don't feel any way. this place, its my fucking heart and bones, and thats why i do need to leave here, thats why i'm making my plans to move to the east coast the second I'm 16, because gravity will win against my soul soon, i could still leave behind my heart maybe, but I can't be stuck here forever, i'll suffocate. i just wish you all knew how fucking amazingly beautiful it is.
i think that is why i need to leave, why i can't stay much longer, i'll just fade into the vision of this place, i want to be a visitor, not part of the background.
i wish i could l could learn how to run. i'm always the one sitting here waiting.

you can offer to the righteous all the good that you have won

2002-08-03T14:48:43Z

the world is alarmingly eerie and beautiful at 5:30am. i haven't slept yet. i put on my tie dye, purplevelvet thrift store coat, jeans and converses and headed out my door to watch the sunrise. the sky was this kaleidascope of pastel colors, the clouds cotton candy spun sugar in the sky, the sky mauve, blue, yellow. i wandered to the beach, to sit on the rocks and there is this couple, a about 50ish man and a probly 20-30ish woman with blonde hair, the man looks like a burntout writer, he's drinking wine from a plastic champagne style glass, clearly drunk. he asked me why i was out so early while laughing, and i left to go sit and smoke hash on the beach and throw rocks into the water. it was an odd morning, this couple screaming at each other while the man kept exclaiming "its my fucking birthday" and after a lot of broken bottles, yelling and screeching tires, they left... strange thing, i thought i lived in a ghost town in the morning, no other sign of life except birds&deer. watched the sun rise, completely fried out of my mind, realized i was shaking and headed home, a sweet old couple looked at me and said "and you have a good day today!" and it made me smile & made me more faithful in love after the first couple. i don't know, i'm insane, i cannot sleep.
i wish i could capture the world this morning, its probably one of the most beautiful mornings i've ever seen..

nobody has to think too much about desolation row

2002-08-03T07:22:52Z

bob dylan songs remind me of being held in warm arms in the dark, of drinking tea or wine after you've been in the rain or snow and yr smiling, they remind me of falling asleep in the arms of the only person you want to be near while they kiss yr forehead and tell you you're amazing, they remind me of conversations with my dad at 2:30 am while we blast the grateful dead, of falling in love at book stores, and running screaming in dew covered grass to stay awake with the girl that saved you.
i'm really happy these days, it was some unknown epiphany of falling in love or something, but i can't stop smiling and feeling upupup. tonight dani and i went and did the typical us thing, hitchhiked to the store and sat around at the bakery and danced (well i did, lol) to the beatles, led zeppelin and bob dylan, and drank cheap(for us, cause we're special) hot chocolate before going behind the bakery to smoke up with the cashier, we stole straws and made wands and put stickers from the grocery store (things like "1/2 price" and "vegetarian" and "special") all over ourselves. dancing under the dark skies, holding yr thumb out till yr arm falls off.
i'm determined to stay alive, to keep feeling joyous and grateful to be alive, to keep actually feeling kind of special while you lay around in the grass at night, to keep feeling in love, pot keeps me from feeling guilty for eating and i feel so joyous, so happy, so alive and like happy-crying for unknown reasons. i actually feel complete. this place isn't as bad as i make it out to be, though i'd rather be near city lights, its quite beautiful here, maybe i'll photograph the stars. i want a video-camera with b&w film so i can show you the stars and explain without words how sometimes they embrace you and other times leave you feeling empty.
nights like tonight i wonder how i could ever feel dead inside, how anyone could, when we live in a place like this. i know i'll forget to feel this way, but for now its all ok, i'll enjoy this bliss i get off nothing (except maybe some pot in parking lots) and dancing in the streets.
i wish i could keep writing "all you need is love" on bathroom stalls and dancing to music in coffee shops while people laugh, blessing people downtown with a smile. i want to learn to sew my own clothes, learn to perform (even just acoustic covers on the street), i want to go sleep under the stars tonight, but there is no one who would go with me that can (everyone has jobs and can't spend all night up with me all the time now) i want it to be a 1 year and 4 months later, so i can move away from here, even if i only last a month or two, i want to be with the girl thats like a faerie-pixie-nymph-love-angel, my size twin, the most sincere amazing girl.. i miss her terribly and it just hit me. (she's in the city, and i swear to god i'm moving there the second i'm 16.) even if i'd miss it terribly, i want to be somewhere where you die from the heat and get snowed in in the winter and go to punk/ska clubs and go to artschool. i post far too often. i need a polaroid camera, so i can hand photos to kids on the street. i want a certain boy, so we can lay in the grass and i can tell him all these things and the things i see in the stars at night.

crippledance @ 2002-08-02T18:40:00

2002-08-03T01:43:52Z

i don't really remember how i got here anymore... i know it was somehow. what day did i awake and realize that i am a person, a being... not just empty and aching and fading slowly into oblivion? i'm not sure. how do you wake up every morning when there were those mornings wrapped in warm arms, skin to skin and kisses like the sun in the window, i don't really know, but you do. how do you keep living when you just kill yrself slowly? i'm not sure but you do continue to feel complete, i do, even with this emptiness in my stomach. read the hanged man by francesca lia block and blast sleater-kinney and burn incense on yr bed, then maybe you'll know what i mean... or you won't.. fuck man just do it for the kicks, i'm insane, so insane. plastic girl plastic sun. sonic youth keeps you alive. grateful dead guitar solos make me break down in tears sometimes. be a model, or just look like one. why is the world so physical? i need some drugs so the world isn't just solid anymore, i want to see the patterns of light and electrons colliding. supernova stars, i guess if i lived in a city i'd kinda miss the stars at night, the shooting stars, though i find city lights make me think of 1000's of other lost souls, looking into empty glasses and out their windows trying to see the reasons things change. when you look at the stars you see something you can never touch, something that isn't even existant anymore, only when the sun is gone.
will you go fall in love for me? i don't expect you to fall but love saves yr soul. it did for me. i always feel like dying, like cutting my skin open like pretending i'm unable to eat like hitting my head on grey walls and crying. it makes you whole. pure love, desireless love, is that what they call it? desire is ok i need it, spirit desire we will fall. miss me, don't dismiss me, spirit desire. i made a list of things to do when yr young in english, and my english teacher asked me in this sad tone "what if you never were young?" and i didn't really know what to say except it doesn't really matter, just pretend you are. love will tear you apart. go be teenage for me, secretkisses&hidden hands&glass bottles&smoke&fast cars under the blue sky. i want to take a road trip, me in the back of a pickup on a mattress smoking pot and watching the sky change, but the law might stop you. fuck the law, go walk into the sea, bleed for me. sometimes sleep under blankets of stars with people in love that you love, fall asleep in smiles and throw yr arms around them while you sleep. sometimes take pills and dance to electronic music in the dark and feel like a beam of light, like the bass you feel in yr collarbone. i just want to find life. its around here somewhere, i think i have it in my veins.
(and thats a place i can't reach, its just in my bones)

she lost her mind but kept her looks

2002-08-02T21:16:49Z

visionsofjohanna(or abbyclaire/marz/poppy)
I put those in a folder and uploaded them, as opposed to posting them ON here cause there are a bunch.. and I'm actually quite proud of a lot of those photos (i am warning you, if you hate converse all stars sneakers, you might not want to look at them cause a few have to do with my shoes) things like me and riotgrrrl style writing on the stomach and darkness and shoes and my new jeans and random things...
so check them out and let me know what you think, cause i might want to actually use them for something..

also, is anyone else super-obbsessed with the new sonic youth album? i think its probably now definatly in the top 2 or 3 of my favourites by them, i adore it..

i'm really happy today, incense&sonic youth&coffee¬ eating&my new sneakers/jeans&sunshine&exploding with smiles.

crippledance @ 2002-07-31T20:48:00

2002-08-01T03:51:28Z

I could explode. butterflies. supernova stars. the sky is so beautifully blue tonight. i wish dani or julie was online.
I went over to Saltspring, wandered at first not finding anyone I knew. In very typical me style, wandered over to the house of the boy I adore, who wasn't home of course. Sitting in parks, hopping into pick up trucks with manymany people you love, speeding around and going to the lake to swim in yr underwear and drink beer, stoned out of yr mind, wandering down the dark roads hitching with the other boy (cute, small, shy, really drunk) and getting a ride and passing out in yr friends bed. Spent a day playing Grand Auto Theft 3 and smoking pot. Tamara, is another twin soul of mine, she gets me and I think I get her too and we lay in the orchards blast sigur ros and talk about random boys and her wanting to be a lesbian.. short talking with the boy on the phone who said "yr leaving...already, well nice seeing you for the 30 seconds we actually got to talk!" "ya i know, i'll come over and visit YOU and you'll get sick of me" "ya do! we can walk into town and break things!!" "like christmas lights, cause they pop and...."
i don't know. supposidly he's been in love with me forever, and when I dated Pete would talk to everyone about how "goddamit how can he treat her so badly, cause I swear if she wasn't dating Pete...."
this is really like not knowing what day Christmas is.. I can just wait for something to happen.. I want to see him, steal his band shirts and Sonic Youth cds, break christmas lights and jump on his bed and have it all happen all stupid and perfectly.
BUT ITS JOYOUS! why must i be a teenager in love
I am now a bundle of giggly in love joy.
i don't need saving, i swear to GOD i could light up the sky tonight.
love you all.
too much.
i could burst. i could burst.
i haven't been this happy in.. so... long.
only thing. my friend ashley from idaho.. was my.. BEST friend... yes.. things change.
drastically.
still..
i'll go.. trying to explain this in words might kill it, and i need to keep these happy thoughts (i've found my saviour today. i swear i have)

theres no telling what i'll do, if i don't return to you

2002-07-29T18:02:29Z

i've become rather fond of the act of smoking. bud, my pretty glass pipe, a lighter, watching the stars outside the window and laying on the floor clinging to earth (ya. its pretty good weed)
it almost makes me wish i smoked cigarettes. just to kill my lungs some more.
pluggedin&readytofall
it gets harder to love myself everyday. violet, you were probly referring to me and i'm sorry... its just, what other people say doesn't matter its how YOU truly feel about yourself. how can someone saying something sweet about me matter when i feel like crap about myself?
i feel like such a let down lately. i'm supposed to be the happy one, kaleidascope colored happy ray of sunshine. why won't it rain, its just clouds, you can't see the sky but there is nothing to comfort me either. i have no reason to complain of the water in my shoes and how my stolen e.e.cummings books are getting soaked. a thumb to the road, people pity you when you pout in the rain, hoping its some 20yr old boy with a nice car that will feed you jellybeans and beer and drop you off wherever you want to go.
i really am a let down.
i need to get out of here and be something, anything at all. i'm too soon becoming rather bitter and mellancholly, and i hate being this way. i need a saviour, a handful of crumpled stars, i'd take any drug you handed me right now. i'm not even sad, just bored, boredom kills kids that live in small towns. i'll jump out my window and see if i can fly tonight.
i don't think i'd exist right now if it wasn't for him&julie&weed.
i'm not aware of too many things. and god i'm sick&tired of myself.

crippledance @ 2002-07-28T20:46:00

2002-07-29T03:49:52Z

everyone should download these songs...

neutral milk hotel - aeroplane over the sea
cat stevens - wind of my soul
lyle lovett - road to ensenada (ya its lyle lovett.. but really, the song is fucking amazing)
(and a 20 minute long) grateful dead - dark star..
lisa lobe - shove me in shallow water

i'm in love. i'm in love. it makes it all ok, it really does, i am smiling my face off right now.
just.. go out and fall in love for me..

count the headlights on the highway

2002-07-26T21:12:44Z

i'm watching almost famous with julie and dani, i feel rather infinite, a nice change from the nostalgic-heartbroken-yet-ok state of mind that i have been in lately.. i feel like i'm drowning this comfortable death when i am at home, its nice, i can live, but i'm one for thrills&pills and i just spend countless hours up all night typing words of nothing on my typewriter. i feel better with this odd sense of fufillment that comes with making plans of running away/moving away with the girl that i love so much, her boyfriend, the boy i'm in love with, another girl i adore and others, when i'm 16 i'll make some money get a car and drive away, attend the art school in toronto get a job delivering papers and i'll be happy, i'll get away i'll do something, and it makes me smile no matter how absurd or realistic it is. last night reminded me how fucking crazy we all are, i hopped into a shopping cart and julie&dani pushed me around wal mart and everytime someone gave us a "oh god look another set of girls on acid" look they screamed "she has tourettes ok?" and ate numerous popsicles and danced around on the road and scared little boys that talked to us at 7/11. i'm losing my mind, i truly am and my heart is broken but i have some glue.
i'll get by. i spend my days listening to the grateful dead and smoking weed and burning meltyrfaceoff incense and laying on the floor waiting for something to happen.

and i'm a groupie, so what?

2002-07-21T21:04:10Z

i met this awesome band paxil rose, as i may have stated before.
they wrote the sweetest things

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i met this awesome band paxil rose, as i may have stated before.
they wrote the sweetest things <lj-user="thepaxilrose"> here
and yes..
<img src="http://www.glitter.net/meowmeowbathroom.jpg">
i took that picture, and those are my (now lost) sunglasses on the drummer!
<img src="http://www.glitter.net/meowmeowkids.jpg">
notice me in there, wearing blue, with the band and other cool meow meow kids

that kind of made my week.

this one goes out to all the suckers who still believe in love!

2002-07-21T19:06:18Z

I have some photos from Portland, all of the ones (beside the city lights, which i took of seattle in the middle of the night driving) were taken by my mom.. and I thought I'd post some of them

this was the wall of the room we stayed in

my mom seemed to like to take my picture when i had no idea... me painting beside the camp on the sidewalk

again.. me and these cute little girls painting on the sidewalk (and my almost finished piece for the peace mural)

those are city lights middle of the night in seattle..
wayyy more pictures will come when i get my 4 or so rolls of film (mostly band pictures, some fucking AWESOME sleater kinney ones) developed, and scanned...
xox..

crippledance @ 2002-07-14T07:03:00

2002-07-14T14:05:53Z

In a few minutes I'm hopping into a car for, who knows what could be 12 hours after ferry trips and waiting at the bored... i'm fucking going to Portland, playing music and watching punk shows, I really can't wait. But i'm so scared, I can't play for people I just don't know how, and, and, now I have to and..
I know its only a few days but I have this really strong feeling of attachment to leaving Julie and Dani and Brynn all of the sudden. and Niamh, I'm not going to see Niamh for over a month, which I don't want to think about, because it hurtsfar too much. I've missed Julie and Brynn terribly, they're both like the summer stars and punk rock songs and laughing and skipping under the sun. Brynn, the weird weird exboy of mine, I think I loved that boy (and always will in some form) because all of them, I always hate them once we're not together anymore for a period of time but not him. I pass out at the lake due to the fact I never sleep, curled up in his huge anarchy sweatshirt and my sunglasses, and he pushes me over and calls me his pillows (and ran around wearing sunglasses much like the ones

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crippledance @ 2002-07-13T08:02:00

2002-07-13T15:01:50Z

i want to be beautiful.
i'll learn how.

crippledance @ 2002-07-13T06:04:00

2002-07-13T13:14:07Z

i have to type excrutiatingly slowly, due to the fact everyone here is fast asleep.. and i just got back from 3 hours of talking with julie, the most beautiful girl till the sun rose. i feel alive at 6am, electric and with a lust for life, in jenna's pj pants and sunglasses, hitchiking at 5:30am is always interesting, there is this quiet beauty to the world, the faded sky, what can i say? i walked for an hour alone in the dark, sang to myself to keep the demons from appearing in my head. i feel like i have the secret to the world cause i'm in a house with 10 sleeping people who wouldn't know (or care) of the beauty in the world right now. i'm insane. truly. drank 2 cups of coffee at 1:30am..
thank GOD for livejournal when i refuse to go to sleep.
people are awake.. yay..

crippledance @ 2002-07-13T01:05:00

2002-07-13T08:11:05Z

sum 41 is blaring, i'm in this stupid short thrift store skirt, and most of my favourite people are in this room. i feel rather empty, i think its because i really need to go see the most beautiful girl who i have this heartbreaking feeling shes sitting alone crying. i would walk 500 miles. i'm constantly hopping up to rescue my friends, taking ferries or buying them tea and leaving parties at 2 am for an hours walk in the dark, but its ok because they are me, they are my everything, my sky and stars and oxygen, they ARE everything...
the space inbetween the atoms that make up the universe.
i'm not really existing... i'm just here to try and save them. today i feel faded..
but i love them. it saves me. they save me.
i couldn't love anything more than i love them and their spikey hair or ties or velvet or coffee highs or ocean soaked jeans or hippie ponchos or.. their souls...
and thats who this is for. the most beautiful people in the universe...
and i just sit here watching.

there's no perfect fate, just little stabs of happiness, sometimes a little too late

2002-07-10T16:48:25Z

i updated glitter.net
nothing serious. just added poems and digital artwork, i'll start working on it more soon. i really will.

i just got a letter from janine and now i remember why i love her so much, why i needed to stay with her and why i'm almost crying because i miss her words, and its been printed and will be carried with me to remind me that i am ok, that i have some hope, that someone believes in me, and its a nice thing.

i'm actually feeling and i'm very happy. that sort of near-crying happy when you miss someone but know they aren't so far.

looking for a ride to the secret location

2002-07-10T05:32:18Z

I feel so infinite.
I spent the past few hours watching the sunset with two beautiful amazing girls, the sky all these shades of mauve and lilac and pale blue and sonic blue and orange and the sun glittering on the ocean, the panorama of the sky and the stars, it all just sank into my soul again. plans of hikes to beautiful places, swimming in the ocean and watching the sun rise. posing in wings with cute little dogs for the guy with the nice car that drove us home with incubus playing. i'm falling in love, i can feel this happy-joy-giddy-exploding feeling in my veins, in my bones, and combined with the sky and
I'M SEEING SONIC YOUTH IN CONCERT ON AUGUST 31st!!!!
i could explode. i haven't felt this good in a while.

crippledance @ 2002-07-09T16:27:00

2002-07-09T23:29:28Z

he even likes bikini kill.
along with every other band i love
and understands well... everything.
i'm sorry, i'm in awe.... its been a while since i've gotten giddy over someone amazing.

crippledance @ 2002-07-09T14:42:00

2002-07-09T21:43:13Z

I need new music.. summer music.. music to make me feel alive and music to drive to and music to make me want to write, music that can make me feel alive.
I need new journals to read.
I need something new...
reccomendations.. please?