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		10:03pm 03/01/2005
	i think i just give up on this fucked up trip we call life. thats all i can say. i don't know why i feel life dying, like my soul is leaking onto the ground.. my best friend no longer hates me and janine-love is home and julie is on the island. but i'm only half alive. less than that. i feel bitter and cynical and fucked up. i should go smoke some pot. i give up.

08:17am 13/08/2002

mood:

melancholy

music: Modest Mouse - Trailer Trash

that email breaks my heart. the one pete sent me. it makes me think i'm still madly in love with him. maybe i always will be, how can i explain the comfort the thought of him gives me?
standing in shasta's kitchen eating popsicles and blueberries on a comedown and feeling like every 30 seconds i just fall in love with ian again, that breaks my heart cause its so amazing.
being in the back seat speeding through the sunset skies really high and talking to the boy who saved my soul at a party months ago, we keep meeting again and again and its in the way he talks to me (i think he's 25, now maybe if i let him know i'm 14)
my heart kind of hurts. life seems to empty and i'm too self destructive for it to be safe. i'm going to hornby island in 25 minutes though, and then i'll get to go to the sea. i live right next to it, but its not at all the same. you need to escape to the sea for it to save you... i keep wanting to run away cause i feel pointless.violet, i know that you love me & thank you for trying don't bring any of my pain on yrself, no one could save me then. this girl caitlin though, she kind of helped cause i had no idea she did love me at all and she basically told me i'd always be beautiful and amazing to her.
they only think that about me before they know me. i can seduce people when i'm drunk or high, otherwise you'll have to be in love with my soul cause i hold it in my hands for you.
i wanted to jump off of a cliff to fly. i wanted to jump into the ditch and feel thorns in the flesh i don't own. i was speeding through the night in pat's car with so many people i love and as he spun the car almost into a ditch into a tree into a fire i wasn't scared. as pat and ian, high on acid went to go get cookies from the same stand tamara and i earlier had bought beans and cookies(odd to eat) and flowers, we asked them to not die on the way, i said "no you kids aren't allowed to die tonight, but if you do, ian i get yr cds"
i'm afraid i... annoyed.. pete with my yelling to him on the phone, exclaiming how he had been my connection to reality, i didn't tell him how he was the enlightenment too. i wanted to say "you know, i think i'll always love you, would you let me kiss you if i was there?" and i wanted to kiss everyone that day, just because i forgot what it was like. kisses. its been a while.
i'm kind of sad these days. mellancholly. i don't want to exist. i feel horrible in my own skin. love for others keeps me alive though, and its the only reason. i had a saturday morning though, somewhere in between the before and after of when this happened.
love.

(2 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)


		09:48pm 12/08/2002
	me on the beach in july. me and kevin (my buddy) in the school field.. come to think of it, one of the last times i hung out with pete while we were dating... did i mention pete wrote me this crazy email.. and also managed to save me from my eating disorder issue? i love that boy. i want to die right now.. thats all that i can say.
		(4 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)


		04:50pm 05/08/2002
	backwards into a wall of fire.
		(1 punk singer \| loveletters in invisible ink)

11:47am 05/08/2002

mood:

energetic

music: Bikini Kill - Suck My Left One

COME HERE BABY
LET ME KISS YOU LIKE A BOY DOES

i'm a bikini kill junkie. i want hallucinogents. i wear lace skirts over patchwork jeans, would you drive me around in a fast car and let me eat yr pills? i'll love you forever! come pick me up and save me from this place, my bag is full of dresses&skirts, photos&poetry books and cds. i don't really eat much, buy me some pop rocks&diet coke&lollipops. if you play guitar for me or read me yr poetry i'll fall in love with you, especially if you have beautiful hands. i'll preach to you about how andy warhol is life changing, punk will save your soul and lets smoke pot till our lungs collapse. i can tell you about my stoner-stories of kisses at midnight, i can tell you about all the beautiful people i know, i can tell you what its like to be so in love you cry (as if everyone doesn't know love like that) i supposidly can be really cute at night, i try to steal trees and i won't run but you can trick me into it by making me skip.

(i promise i'll love you like i love the stars)

(4 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)


		03:54pm 04/08/2002
	ohmyfuckinggod infected mushroom is some of the most fucking incredible trance i have ever heard. download it. if you like that sort of lame raver psychedelic stuf with names like "merlin" and "xtc in my head" and "acid trip" i'm in love. so this is what they mean by psychedelic trance, this stuff IS fucking psychedelic
		(loveletters in invisible ink)


		02:05pm 04/08/2002
	have any website recomendations? and i am on a mission to find out why everyone (almost) and their mothers thinks i'll end up on cocaine.. i'd really like to know.
		(9 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)

01:32pm 04/08/2002

music: paul oakenfold - game master

Its nights like last night that make me wonder how the fuck could I ever leave this place?
just laying on my stomach on the docks, my hands in ice cold ocean water for 20 minutes, just rippling my fingers through the flos fluorescence (if you have never seen these, you haven't been alive yet, come out here and go swimming in them, the little tiny lights in the water that light up when you touch the water, its hard to believe they're just 1 cell organisms and not fucking aliens bringing some crazy miracle and incubating it under water) it just filled me up. you know how you get so empty, then go to the sea at night or day, sun or wind, and its all ok? well it is for me.. i feel this odd contentment that i don't feel any way. this place, its my fucking heart and bones, and thats why i do need to leave here, thats why i'm making my plans to move to the east coast the second I'm 16, because gravity will win against my soul soon, i could still leave behind my heart maybe, but I can't be stuck here forever, i'll suffocate. i just wish you all knew how fucking amazingly beautiful it is.
i think that is why i need to leave, why i can't stay much longer, i'll just fade into the vision of this place, i want to be a visitor, not part of the background.
i wish i could l could learn how to run. i'm always the one sitting here waiting.

(1 punk singer | loveletters in invisible ink)

you can offer to the righteous all the good that you have won

07:46am 03/08/2002

mood:

high

music: Lyle Lovett - The Road To Ensenada

the world is alarmingly eerie and beautiful at 5:30am. i haven't slept yet. i put on my tie dye, purplevelvet thrift store coat, jeans and converses and headed out my door to watch the sunrise. the sky was this kaleidascope of pastel colors, the clouds cotton candy spun sugar in the sky, the sky mauve, blue, yellow. i wandered to the beach, to sit on the rocks and there is this couple, a about 50ish man and a probly 20-30ish woman with blonde hair, the man looks like a burntout writer, he's drinking wine from a plastic champagne style glass, clearly drunk. he asked me why i was out so early while laughing, and i left to go sit and smoke hash on the beach and throw rocks into the water. it was an odd morning, this couple screaming at each other while the man kept exclaiming "its my fucking birthday" and after a lot of broken bottles, yelling and screeching tires, they left... strange thing, i thought i lived in a ghost town in the morning, no other sign of life except birds&deer. watched the sun rise, completely fried out of my mind, realized i was shaking and headed home, a sweet old couple looked at me and said "and you have a good day today!" and it made me smile & made me more faithful in love after the first couple. i don't know, i'm insane, i cannot sleep.
i wish i could capture the world this morning, its probably one of the most beautiful mornings i've ever seen..

(loveletters in invisible ink)

nobody has to think too much about desolation row

12:18am 03/08/2002

mood:

grateful

music: Bob Dylan - Desolation Row

bob dylan songs remind me of being held in warm arms in the dark, of drinking tea or wine after you've been in the rain or snow and yr smiling, they remind me of falling asleep in the arms of the only person you want to be near while they kiss yr forehead and tell you you're amazing, they remind me of conversations with my dad at 2:30 am while we blast the grateful dead, of falling in love at book stores, and running screaming in dew covered grass to stay awake with the girl that saved you.
i'm really happy these days, it was some unknown epiphany of falling in love or something, but i can't stop smiling and feeling upupup. tonight dani and i went and did the typical us thing, hitchhiked to the store and sat around at the bakery and danced (well i did, lol) to the beatles, led zeppelin and bob dylan, and drank cheap(for us, cause we're special) hot chocolate before going behind the bakery to smoke up with the cashier, we stole straws and made wands and put stickers from the grocery store (things like "1/2 price" and "vegetarian" and "special") all over ourselves. dancing under the dark skies, holding yr thumb out till yr arm falls off.
i'm determined to stay alive, to keep feeling joyous and grateful to be alive, to keep actually feeling kind of special while you lay around in the grass at night, to keep feeling in love, pot keeps me from feeling guilty for eating and i feel so joyous, so happy, so alive and like happy-crying for unknown reasons. i actually feel complete. this place isn't as bad as i make it out to be, though i'd rather be near city lights, its quite beautiful here, maybe i'll photograph the stars. i want a video-camera with b&w film so i can show you the stars and explain without words how sometimes they embrace you and other times leave you feeling empty.
nights like tonight i wonder how i could ever feel dead inside, how anyone could, when we live in a place like this. i know i'll forget to feel this way, but for now its all ok, i'll enjoy this bliss i get off nothing (except maybe some pot in parking lots) and dancing in the streets.
i wish i could keep writing "all you need is love" on bathroom stalls and dancing to music in coffee shops while people laugh, blessing people downtown with a smile. i want to learn to sew my own clothes, learn to perform (even just acoustic covers on the street), i want to go sleep under the stars tonight, but there is no one who would go with me that can (everyone has jobs and can't spend all night up with me all the time now) i want it to be a 1 year and 4 months later, so i can move away from here, even if i only last a month or two, i want to be with the girl thats like a faerie-pixie-nymph-love-angel, my size twin, the most sincere amazing girl.. i miss her terribly and it just hit me. (she's in the city, and i swear to god i'm moving there the second i'm 16.) even if i'd miss it terribly, i want to be somewhere where you die from the heat and get snowed in in the winter and go to punk/ska clubs and go to artschool. i post far too often. i need a polaroid camera, so i can hand photos to kids on the street. i want a certain boy, so we can lay in the grass and i can tell him all these things and the things i see in the stars at night.

(1 punk singer | loveletters in invisible ink)


		06:40pm 02/08/2002
	i don't really remember how i got here anymore... i know it was somehow. what day did i awake and realize that i am a person, a being... not just empty and aching and fading slowly into oblivion? i'm not sure. how do you wake up every morning when there were those mornings wrapped in warm arms, skin to skin and kisses like the sun in the window, i don't really know, but you do. how do you keep living when you just kill yrself slowly? i'm not sure but you do continue to feel complete, i do, even with this emptiness in my stomach. read the hanged man by francesca lia block and blast sleater-kinney and burn incense on yr bed, then maybe you'll know what i mean... or you won't.. fuck man just do it for the kicks, i'm insane, so insane. plastic girl plastic sun. sonic youth keeps you alive. grateful dead guitar solos make me break down in tears sometimes. be a model, or just look like one. why is the world so physical? i need some drugs so the world isn't just solid anymore, i want to see the patterns of light and electrons colliding. supernova stars, i guess if i lived in a city i'd kinda miss the stars at night, the shooting stars, though i find city lights make me think of 1000's of other lost souls, looking into empty glasses and out their windows trying to see the reasons things change. when you look at the stars you see something you can never touch, something that isn't even existant anymore, only when the sun is gone. will you go fall in love for me? i don't expect you to fall but love saves yr soul. it did for me. i always feel like dying, like cutting my skin open like pretending i'm unable to eat like hitting my head on grey walls and crying. it makes you whole. pure love, desireless love, is that what they call it? desire is ok i need it, spirit desire we will fall. miss me, don't dismiss me, spirit desire. i made a list of things to do when yr young in english, and my english teacher asked me in this sad tone "what if you never were young?" and i didn't really know what to say except it doesn't really matter, just pretend you are. love will tear you apart. go be teenage for me, secretkisses&hidden hands&glass bottles&smoke&fast cars under the blue sky. i want to take a road trip, me in the back of a pickup on a mattress smoking pot and watching the sky change, but the law might stop you. fuck the law, go walk into the sea, bleed for me. sometimes sleep under blankets of stars with people in love that you love, fall asleep in smiles and throw yr arms around them while you sleep. sometimes take pills and dance to electronic music in the dark and feel like a beam of light, like the bass you feel in yr collarbone. i just want to find life. its around here somewhere, i think i have it in my veins. (and thats a place i can't reach, its just in my bones)
		(1 punk singer \| loveletters in invisible ink)

she lost her mind but kept her looks

02:14pm 02/08/2002

mood:

cheerful

music: Le Tigre - Bang! Bang!

visionsofjohanna(or abbyclaire/marz/poppy)
I put those in a folder and uploaded them, as opposed to posting them ON here cause there are a bunch.. and I'm actually quite proud of a lot of those photos (i am warning you, if you hate converse all stars sneakers, you might not want to look at them cause a few have to do with my shoes) things like me and riotgrrrl style writing on the stomach and darkness and shoes and my new jeans and random things...
so check them out and let me know what you think, cause i might want to actually use them for something..

also, is anyone else super-obbsessed with the new sonic youth album? i think its probably now definatly in the top 2 or 3 of my favourites by them, i adore it..

i'm really happy today, incense&sonic youth&coffee¬ eating&my new sneakers/jeans&sunshine&exploding with smiles.

(1 punk singer | loveletters in invisible ink)

08:48pm 31/07/2002

mood:

ecstatic

music: Cat Stevens - Wind of My Soul

I could explode. butterflies. supernova stars. the sky is so beautifully blue tonight. i wish dani or julie was online.
I went over to Saltspring, wandered at first not finding anyone I knew. In very typical me style, wandered over to the house of the boy I adore, who wasn't home of course. Sitting in parks, hopping into pick up trucks with manymany people you love, speeding around and going to the lake to swim in yr underwear and drink beer, stoned out of yr mind, wandering down the dark roads hitching with the other boy (cute, small, shy, really drunk) and getting a ride and passing out in yr friends bed. Spent a day playing Grand Auto Theft 3 and smoking pot. Tamara, is another twin soul of mine, she gets me and I think I get her too and we lay in the orchards blast sigur ros and talk about random boys and her wanting to be a lesbian.. short talking with the boy on the phone who said "yr leaving...already, well nice seeing you for the 30 seconds we actually got to talk!" "ya i know, i'll come over and visit YOU and you'll get sick of me" "ya do! we can walk into town and break things!!" "like christmas lights, cause they pop and...."
i don't know. supposidly he's been in love with me forever, and when I dated Pete would talk to everyone about how "goddamit how can he treat her so badly, cause I swear if she wasn't dating Pete...."
this is really like not knowing what day Christmas is.. I can just wait for something to happen.. I want to see him, steal his band shirts and Sonic Youth cds, break christmas lights and jump on his bed and have it all happen all stupid and perfectly.
BUT ITS JOYOUS! why must i be a teenager in love
I am now a bundle of giggly in love joy.
i don't need saving, i swear to GOD i could light up the sky tonight.
love you all.
too much.
i could burst. i could burst.
i haven't been this happy in.. so... long.
only thing. my friend ashley from idaho.. was my.. BEST friend... yes.. things change.
drastically.
still..
i'll go.. trying to explain this in words might kill it, and i need to keep these happy thoughts (i've found my saviour today. i swear i have)

(5 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

theres no telling what i'll do, if i don't return to you

10:59am 29/07/2002

mood:

blank

music: alice in chains - rooster

i've become rather fond of the act of smoking. bud, my pretty glass pipe, a lighter, watching the stars outside the window and laying on the floor clinging to earth (ya. its pretty good weed)
it almost makes me wish i smoked cigarettes. just to kill my lungs some more.
pluggedin&readytofall
it gets harder to love myself everyday. violet, you were probly referring to me and i'm sorry... its just, what other people say doesn't matter its how YOU truly feel about yourself. how can someone saying something sweet about me matter when i feel like crap about myself?
i feel like such a let down lately. i'm supposed to be the happy one, kaleidascope colored happy ray of sunshine. why won't it rain, its just clouds, you can't see the sky but there is nothing to comfort me either. i have no reason to complain of the water in my shoes and how my stolen e.e.cummings books are getting soaked. a thumb to the road, people pity you when you pout in the rain, hoping its some 20yr old boy with a nice car that will feed you jellybeans and beer and drop you off wherever you want to go.
i really am a let down.
i need to get out of here and be something, anything at all. i'm too soon becoming rather bitter and mellancholly, and i hate being this way. i need a saviour, a handful of crumpled stars, i'd take any drug you handed me right now. i'm not even sad, just bored, boredom kills kids that live in small towns. i'll jump out my window and see if i can fly tonight.
i don't think i'd exist right now if it wasn't for him&julie&weed.
i'm not aware of too many things. and god i'm sick&tired of myself.

(5 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

08:46pm 28/07/2002

music: Pie-Tasters - Out All Night

everyone should download these songs...

neutral milk hotel - aeroplane over the sea
cat stevens - wind of my soul
lyle lovett - road to ensenada (ya its lyle lovett.. but really, the song is fucking amazing)
(and a 20 minute long) grateful dead - dark star..
lisa lobe - shove me in shallow water

i'm in love. i'm in love. it makes it all ok, it really does, i am smiling my face off right now.
just.. go out and fall in love for me..

(4 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

count the headlights on the highway
		02:09pm 26/07/2002
	i'm watching almost famous with julie and dani, i feel rather infinite, a nice change from the nostalgic-heartbroken-yet-ok state of mind that i have been in lately.. i feel like i'm drowning this comfortable death when i am at home, its nice, i can live, but i'm one for thrills&pills and i just spend countless hours up all night typing words of nothing on my typewriter. i feel better with this odd sense of fufillment that comes with making plans of running away/moving away with the girl that i love so much, her boyfriend, the boy i'm in love with, another girl i adore and others, when i'm 16 i'll make some money get a car and drive away, attend the art school in toronto get a job delivering papers and i'll be happy, i'll get away i'll do something, and it makes me smile no matter how absurd or realistic it is. last night reminded me how fucking crazy we all are, i hopped into a shopping cart and julie&dani pushed me around wal mart and everytime someone gave us a "oh god look another set of girls on acid" look they screamed "she has tourettes ok?" and ate numerous popsicles and danced around on the road and scared little boys that talked to us at 7/11. i'm losing my mind, i truly am and my heart is broken but i have some glue. i'll get by. i spend my days listening to the grateful dead and smoking weed and burning meltyrfaceoff incense and laying on the floor waiting for something to happen.
		(2 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)

and i'm a groupie, so what?
		02:01pm 21/07/2002
	i met this awesome band paxil rose, as i may have stated before. they wrote the sweetest things [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-user="thepaxilrose">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] i met this awesome band paxil rose, as i may have stated before. they wrote the sweetest things <lj-user="thepaxilrose"> here and yes.. <img src="http://www.glitter.net/meowmeowbathroom.jpg"> i took that picture, and those are my (now lost) sunglasses on the drummer! <img src="http://www.glitter.net/meowmeowkids.jpg"> notice me in there, wearing blue, with the band and other cool meow meow kids that kind of made my week.
		(3 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)

this one goes out to all the suckers who still believe in love!

12:03pm 21/07/2002

music: Reel Big Fish - Suckers

I have some photos from Portland, all of the ones (beside the city lights, which i took of seattle in the middle of the night driving) were taken by my mom.. and I thought I'd post some of them
( Read more... )

(1 punk singer | loveletters in invisible ink)

07:03am 14/07/2002

music: The Hives - Closed For The Season

In a few minutes I'm hopping into a car for, who knows what could be 12 hours after ferry trips and waiting at the bored... i'm fucking going to Portland, playing music and watching punk shows, I really can't wait. But i'm so scared, I can't play for people I just don't know how, and, and, now I have to and..
I know its only a few days but I have this really strong feeling of attachment to leaving Julie and Dani and Brynn all of the sudden. and Niamh, I'm not going to see Niamh for over a month, which I don't want to think about, because it hurtsfar too much. I've missed Julie and Brynn terribly, they're both like the summer stars and punk rock songs and laughing and skipping under the sun. Brynn, the weird weird exboy of mine, I think I loved that boy (and always will in some form) because all of them, I always hate them once we're not together anymore for a period of time but not him. I pass out at the lake due to the fact I never sleep, curled up in his huge anarchy sweatshirt and my sunglasses, and he pushes me over and calls me his pillows (and ran around wearing sunglasses much like the ones

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-user="idigboysinbands">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

(2 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)


		08:02am 13/07/2002
	i want to be beautiful. i'll learn how.
		(8 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)


		06:04am 13/07/2002
	i have to type excrutiatingly slowly, due to the fact everyone here is fast asleep.. and i just got back from 3 hours of talking with julie, the most beautiful girl till the sun rose. i feel alive at 6am, electric and with a lust for life, in jenna's pj pants and sunglasses, hitchiking at 5:30am is always interesting, there is this quiet beauty to the world, the faded sky, what can i say? i walked for an hour alone in the dark, sang to myself to keep the demons from appearing in my head. i feel like i have the secret to the world cause i'm in a house with 10 sleeping people who wouldn't know (or care) of the beauty in the world right now. i'm insane. truly. drank 2 cups of coffee at 1:30am.. thank GOD for livejournal when i refuse to go to sleep. people are awake.. yay..
		(1 punk singer \| loveletters in invisible ink)


		01:05am 13/07/2002
	sum 41 is blaring, i'm in this stupid short thrift store skirt, and most of my favourite people are in this room. i feel rather empty, i think its because i really need to go see the most beautiful girl who i have this heartbreaking feeling shes sitting alone crying. i would walk 500 miles. i'm constantly hopping up to rescue my friends, taking ferries or buying them tea and leaving parties at 2 am for an hours walk in the dark, but its ok because they are me, they are my everything, my sky and stars and oxygen, they ARE everything... the space inbetween the atoms that make up the universe. i'm not really existing... i'm just here to try and save them. today i feel faded.. but i love them. it saves me. they save me. i couldn't love anything more than i love them and their spikey hair or ties or velvet or coffee highs or ocean soaked jeans or hippie ponchos or.. their souls... and thats who this is for. the most beautiful people in the universe... and i just sit here watching.
		(1 punk singer \| loveletters in invisible ink)

there's no perfect fate, just little stabs of happiness, sometimes a little too late

09:46am 10/07/2002

music: sonic youth - genetic

i updated glitter.net
nothing serious. just added poems and digital artwork, i'll start working on it more soon. i really will.

i just got a letter from janine and now i remember why i love her so much, why i needed to stay with her and why i'm almost crying because i miss her words, and its been printed and will be carried with me to remind me that i am ok, that i have some hope, that someone believes in me, and its a nice thing.

i'm actually feeling and i'm very happy. that sort of near-crying happy when you miss someone but know they aren't so far.

(5 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

looking for a ride to the secret location

10:31pm 09/07/2002

mood:

enthralled

music: sonic youth - teenage riot

I feel so infinite.
I spent the past few hours watching the sunset with two beautiful amazing girls, the sky all these shades of mauve and lilac and pale blue and sonic blue and orange and the sun glittering on the ocean, the panorama of the sky and the stars, it all just sank into my soul again. plans of hikes to beautiful places, swimming in the ocean and watching the sun rise. posing in wings with cute little dogs for the guy with the nice car that drove us home with incubus playing. i'm falling in love, i can feel this happy-joy-giddy-exploding feeling in my veins, in my bones, and combined with the sky and
I'M SEEING SONIC YOUTH IN CONCERT ON AUGUST 31st!!!!
i could explode. i haven't felt this good in a while.

(loveletters in invisible ink)


		04:27pm 09/07/2002
	he even likes bikini kill. along with every other band i love and understands well... everything. i'm sorry, i'm in awe.... its been a while since i've gotten giddy over someone amazing.
		(2 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)

02:42pm 09/07/2002

music: Alice in Chains - Rooster

I need new music.. summer music.. music to make me feel alive and music to drive to and music to make me want to write, music that can make me feel alive.
I need new journals to read.
I need something new...
reccomendations.. please?

(4 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

10:28pm 08/07/2002

mood:

sick

music: Grateful Dead - Not Fade Away

I'm delirious off of cold medication, too much sleep, and so much love its overwhelming. These past few days I feel faded, I'm too weak to stand up, I eat nothing but cough drops, I lose it and cry, but things are beginning to seem incredibly beautiful.
This boy that I thought I could never get close to, this boy that seems so intelligent and loves good music and says amazing things and I could listen to him and look at him forever made some comment after I said I don't think I'd ever feel good enough for (him, though he didn't know about it) about the problem being that no one is good enough for me. Its stupid and juvinile but it makes me smile none the less.
I've been picking up litter, writing manic paper journal entries, listening to Bob Dylan (i'll write an entry on my love for the song visions of johanna) and pondering all the people I seemed to have lost, dreaming of boys that I should just call but I can't.
get me away from here i'm dying.

(1 punk singer | loveletters in invisible ink)

louise holds a handful of rain tempting you to defy it
		03:45pm 05/07/2002
	i'm sitting here in purely shoplifted merchandise, la senza underwear and a tie dye tank top, huge black fuckingrockstar sunglasses.. listening to the kids outside in the sun.. the cutest kids you'll ever see. life is boring yet beautiful, but i'm yearning for something more. there is just something missing from here, i like this sunlight and the e.e cummings book and assorted jellybeans blaring on the stereo.. but something is missing. canada day was glorius.. hopping a ferry, ferry wings high off the fading sky getting up front at a free big sugar concert and dancing and screaming my heart out, fire works exploding in the sky dancing on the downtown streets barefoot.. "princess where are your shoes" so much stolen things and clothing and lip gloss and underwear and bracelets and i'm just another kid in a bandana and sunglasses and tie dyed slip skirt sneakers. nights away from here, on saltspring.. i fall in love too easily.. theres this boy but he doesn't go for younger girls but every word he says i'm in awe.. he wears shirts that say "stop making sense" and obbsesses over the white stripes and the who and nirvana and every other band i love and he's so sad and so fucking good looking and.. yes.. but he doesn't like younger girls (and i think i'm in that category) its too beautiful here, in 9 days i'm leaving for portland... 14 days vans warped tour.. everything is so beautiful, sitting on the streets in the rain, real conversations. but i don't feel beautiful and its all sort of odd and we just sit here waiting for something to happen.. someone come save me from this place.
		(loveletters in invisible ink)


		01:00am 27/06/2002
	its late and i kinda feel like i'm going to break at kevin's house him and kyle play n64 and i sit on kevin's lap and type.. i feel rather lonely.. my hair is shorter... i have a gazillion bright colored jelly bracelets and rings and a string bikini and i wander and i don't care about "love" anymore i just want bodies and i don't care what i swallow down or follow anymore.. it doesn't really matter cause i feel so alive, so high all the time.. playing with kids in saphire pools and feeling gravity lighting up every fibre in your body smiling under the stars asking "what way does the world turn" while laying on my back looking up at the sky and i need someone to make me high with their presence. julie/ [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<lj-user="purewings">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] its late and i kinda feel like i'm going to break at kevin's house him and kyle play n64 and i sit on kevin's lap and type.. i feel rather lonely.. my hair is shorter... i have a gazillion bright colored jelly bracelets and rings and a string bikini and i wander and i don't care about "love" anymore i just want bodies and i don't care what i swallow down or follow anymore.. it doesn't really matter cause i feel so alive, so high all the time.. playing with kids in saphire pools and feeling gravity lighting up every fibre in your body smiling under the stars asking "what way does the world turn" while laying on my back looking up at the sky and i need someone to make me high with their presence. julie/<lj-user="purewings"> and nao are here and everyone seems sad but glad to be alive and they think its all getting too screwed up, we're getting too screwed up but its just the start i'll supernova i can deal its ok.. the brightest things always fade away.. i'm a little sad and kinda glad kinda have the blues and i never wear shoes and i need sleep tonight i need sleep tonight i'm delirious.. save me? i want someone to save me.. save me someone please love help me sleep i'll handcuff you to my bed and do what i please just save me.. i'm a little tired and lonely tonight.
		(2 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)

and he speaks of a farewell kiss to me
		10:57pm 23/06/2002
	summer, in my veins and eyes, like a perfect wreath of flowers, summer is like a wreath of stars, of galaxies, you can wear around your neck and spin and you'll float. i want to invite the coffee shop working, cigarette smoking, bright color dyed hair boy to my house for the night. show me the emptiness in your veins. i want codeine, like light pouring through the windows and dark side of the moon and eating and sleeping and silently screaming. we're going back out to the secret dark you find in the open under the moon, to beautiful girls and best friends and glass bottles and glass pipes pressed to yr lips to get rid of the emptiness in you and just smile. summer like a dream of light and love. summer like something more dangerous than anything else you'll ever know because what else can do that for you and what else can you crave like something scratching your arms hitting yr head on a wall tears but no pill you swallow will fufill you? dreams of summer, dreams of light, dreams of the love i lose at night and i smile for silence and sound, electronic love pulsating in my heart as much as my ears and head and thats all i ever need to know, a place to run, a place to escape a place to cry and hide and die inside and lets save each other tonight. lets hide inside each others veins tonight, capturing the secrets&smiles from your blood to help me sleep.
		(7 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)

mona lisa had the highway blues, you can tell by the way she smiles

05:29pm 22/06/2002

mood: burnt out elated

music: Jefferson Airplane - Stop Children What's That Soun

Last night was an amazing night.
No particular amazing moment shines in my mind, no mindblowing kisses from really good looking 17 year old boys (there's this one on my mind, i just wanted to kiss him) but I also met the most beautfiul boy. But that comes later.
First day of summer. Burning summer heat. I'm back again, back from some unintended interstellar trip. This is going to be an amazing summer. Drama class, we created the most beautiful thing, have you ever put at least 20 different kids, from hippies to twinkies to jocks to loners and we all love each other will all our hearts. Its your dream family, this aura of pure true love and protection and support. I was bawling. I just lost it, but not even bad crying. Crying for love, crying for joy, crying because I'll miss it, crying because I felt it, crying because I FUCKING LOVE IT ALL. My drama teacher proceeded to say a few words about each of us and she told me I was this beautiful combination of originality, creativity and sensitivity, and even with my need to express my unqiue energy, i also have the need to express the love and care I have for everything.
I wore this huge pink 70's prom dress all day. And wings. and converse like sneakers. So many hugs crying sensitivity then just joy. Ian came over, took the watermelon out of my hand, picked me up over his shoulder and just spun me around, till i was dizzydizzydizzy, placed me down and said "thats why i came to school today. you seemed sad and i wanted to make you feel better. thank you for making me feel acomplished" and he's so sweet, and he said something about how I see things in people and everything that no one else sees and that I can't get ruined because I'm too unqiue, and beautiful, then said he shouldn't be saying it. Dressed up dinner whip cream shopping carts stolen flowers.
Then the parties.
Lovely lovely things, hitchiking with Rae to pick up Olivia and her friend river speeding down the road with Jeffesron Airplane blasting getting drunk going to a party with fucking amazing live music and I just lost it. I danced with all my soul, I danced because it was the only thing I knew. Too drunk to push boys off me and Rae came to save me from hands up my dress. I met this beautiful one, with curly hair who danced so oddly and beautifully and hippie clothes loving eyes who just grabbed my hand and said "i love your wings.. they're beautiful.. and thats not all" and I just was so drunk (the whispered things in ears dancing smell of alcohol the seductive talking in ears of parties over music) and I just continued my barefoot winged spinning, dancing to reggae rock blues and he asked me my name and I told him and he told me I should go to this wedding that "with yr.. god yr wings..and yr barefeet, you'd fit in so well" and I just thanked him and his smiles made up for the nausea from drunken-high hands on me but I think I'll never see him again and I wanted to just kiss him once for the fact that he saved me that night but I think he's 25 and I'm 14 and that doesn't work.
But the wedding... coming down from alcohol (literally.. i come down from alcohol, i cry and get anxious) but I just spun in circles barefoot to the hindu techno and danced my soul out into the sky.. little children with tie dye and wings and glow sticks spinning, so many beautiful stars just spinning into the sky, and we left and I was sad but we drove blasting music and we stopped at a beach they broke into a pool I slept in the car with Rae and her and I chatted about the summer...
and all of this was all I ever wanted from life.
Thinking about it I feel rather elated.. the beautiful hippie boys and drinks and dancing and wings and I want to glow.
Its summer. and i found myself, crying because I just.. I can't keep up what I was doing, I'm still a little sad and empty but fucking goddamit I'm HERE!! I can live again and breathe and glow and smile and hug EVERYONE and wear 70's prom dresses and dance even in front of the twinkies that normally are evil and came to ask me about my wings and I'm so happy..
words can't describe the beauty I see in everything. thats all i can say. spinning stars supernova skies and I'm going to live and die tonight.

(4 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)


		08:44pm 16/06/2002
	i've brokedown completely. i don't know what it was, but slowly something just ate away at my insides and saturday i lost it. lovely smashing pumpkins blaring, i started to tap at a tambourine which turned into manic thraashing till my hands turned purple and breaking about 40 bottles and hitting things and screaming and it slowly turned into flailing and yelling and finally tears and calm. nights of dark skies and stars that don't seem very bright and too much pot too much cider really beautiful 24 year old boys but i can't look at them like that drinking bon fires wings sublime marley.. but i lost it again. came home begging my dad to let me go stay with janine during the next week cause i knew if i didn't i would lose it and i just burst into sobs, i cried for hours and i don't even know why i'm sad.. and i just feel SO SAD and i'm ok when i'm out and i don't have to think.. i received two letters from girls that moved that i love and calls from a girl that moved and i love and everyone's so different (especially the one that called) and now.. i just.. i feel too sad. i still smile but there is this endless aching in my heart and drugs aren't going to fill it anymore nothing will i'm just going to cry and try and live but i'm a little afraid because the way i'm living, it doesn't do anything for me anymore. i can walk around feeling beautiful on the outside and empty/dying on the inside. and it sounds so fucking self righteous but the more people say i'm beautiful outside it makes me feel like less and less inside. i can't concentrate.. can't eat.. can't sleep.. i think i need help.. does anyone have advice..? (my dad is convinced i did too much acid or something but that isn't the case) i just want to be ok before its too late and i'm never the same again.
		(4 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)

02:39pm 09/06/2002

mood:

lazy

music: JP5 - Gino Odjick

i need motivation. badly.
please help me.
what do you do for motivation? i have no motivation to anything except lay in the grass, eat slushies and icecream and smoke weed and hang out. i'm to lazy to even make food.
really.. please.. my health depends on it :)

(5 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)


		01:13pm 09/06/2002
	I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. I <3 SONIC YOUTH. just thought i'd mention it.
		(3 punk singers \| loveletters in invisible ink)

we don't owe anyone a fucking explanation.

03:09pm 08/06/2002

mood:

bouncy

music: blink 182 - Girl At The Rock Show (pathetic enough, its my new obbsession)

i love life.
(would you like to run away tonight with me? i've got my guitar and a hackeysack and a bandana and some wings. and a thumb to the road. thats pretty much it, and some coffee money. would you come along to some place unknown to our pure hearts where everything will glitter and glow and fall into place?)

(5 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

if you look hard enough you can still see stars(&yrself before you faded)

10:40pm 07/06/2002

music: Belle & Sebastian - Big John Shaft

I could cry the world is so beautiful.
We're not poetic. I stand there in wings and black pleather rock star clothes, her in white and flowers and wigns and sing "I wanna fuck a dog in the ass" and fake orgasms. We watch Jimmy Eat World on lettermen and go through my new year book and write comments besides so many photos of those we know and love. I make up free style songs that go something like "so you say you like seagulls, but you know they eat beaguls". But spinning under stars running from lights hugs and promises of dinner under the fading sky.
i haven't felt so infinite in forever. really.
random boys made me smile but it was a smile of tears once you left their arms. this is the infinity of being able to stand in the arms of one of the most beautiful girls in the world (inner and outer) and you feel too lucky to be alive. i'm not living.
because was life ever meant to feel this amazing?

(4 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

07:08pm 07/06/2002

mood:

high

i'm really happy.
me and dawnda are getting dressed up and wearing wings and running under the blue sky in front of the water at a place where too many glorius things can happen.
pretty glass pipes (makes me think you jen) and grass and swearing not to skip school but oh well, slushies, lollipops, so much weed and feeling so lovely you could explode.
i love life right now. i feel like myself again (i lost it yesterday entirely)
i love you all.

(2 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

english project.. hm.. want to be famous?

05:44pm 03/06/2002

music: Reel Big Fish - I Want Your Girlfriend

i have this english project due.
a. if anyone wants to fill out a survey, i'd love you forever and you could be in my cool english project on pixels girls
b. if you want to CONTRIBUTE anything at all.. you can own part of my body.. :) yes..

basically the whole idea is its part of the whole pixel girl/boy culture..a nd the topic for this issue is theory and philosiphy. rather basic questions. (if you want to skip a question.. or add something.. feel free!)

how has the internet/livejournal scene affected you?
does the internet/livejournal scene affect your life in any way?
what have you learnt from this?
how do you feel about religion?
whats your concept on time?
what does music do for you?
if you could describe your life in 5 words what would you say?

anyway. feel free to email me (daysbetween@hotmail.com) or chat with me on msn (email) and aim (abstergrrl, or noroomtolive)

i love you all :) i'll give the biggest thanks i can... uh... (i'd sleep with you but yr too far away, i'm sure.. lmao)

(12 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

if columbus was wrong i'd drive straight off the edge

06:00pm 29/05/2002

mood:

grateful

music: white stripes - Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground

Right now I feel like nothing could bring me down. It was just such a glorius day. I woke up and listened to the Pixies, drank coffee, wore shoe laces as a belt and tons of glitter and ran out my door. Spent the morning talking to Kevin on the boat, admiring my baby blue toenails and laughing at myself. Got to school and I was given a cup of coffee from Janine for no reason.. In drama class wearing a fake flower wreath and feeling like I have invisible wings sitting with the most beautiful people in the world as we all exclaim our love for one another and have group hugs. I received the sweetest card from a girl that.. was.. and still is one of my best friends, saying that basically she was so glad we were talking again and despite everything the whole time we weren't speaking she hated knowing she couldn't just walk up and talk to me or hug me and that she never stopped caring and she's always there, even if she knows she has to hold back everything she just wants to pour out.. and I ran to her classroom in rather over emotional happy tears to hug her and tell her I love her so much and if I ever hurt her fuck I was sorry, amoungst other things (i think i'm driving a certain exboyfriend of mine up the wall *taptap on window* *looks* "peetee!! get dawnda" *pete rolls eyes* "DAWNDA". stolen merry hempsters lip balm. i'm covered in smiles and glitter and cinnamin/tangerine lotions.I've drank almost 2 litres of water today, which is a good thing, it makes my head aches and munchies go away. I can't wait for the summer. The first things I'll do is go home and sleep for hours, get up and buy a box of popsicles and a lot of weed. I feel like I'm gonna melt down if I keep having to go to school for much longer, even if its the gold in my day.
I'm happy because I feel like a new person. Someone a lot happier and more golden and less fragile and less self destructive, more self dependant. Its glorius.
(and i feel like some bird of paradise)

(3 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

forget the sun.

10:56pm 24/05/2002

mood:

bouncy

music: The White Stripes - Hello Operator

tonight was spent with

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tonight was spent with <lj-user="iwasleftbehind"> at the driftwood/grocery store, our typical hangout spot consdering the lack of things to do on this island. i must be the most easily amused person in the world. i laughed literally for an hour at cows in a field because they sounded so funny. and i almost fell backwards off a picnic table while juggling a lemon. and the grocery store owner threw a huge ball of saran wrap at me (like.. 8"x8" at least) and its my new baby and i've named it and i carry it around.
i'm fucking crazy.
the sky is all still dark blue.. its a full moon. i feel too alive. i drink too much coffee, its a hopeless addiction. i'm addicted to empty parking lots. i've decided the feeling of empty parking lots, waiting rooms at ferry terminals and hitchhiking.. all those things have sets of feelings and emotions that go with them that are poetic in some fucked up way.
love to the world.

(6 punk singers | loveletters in invisible ink)

	crippledance
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